" Lock the doors, Kill the light, No one's coming home tonight, "

Partially locked, comment to be added.

It is and irony how we think we are always strong and we tell ourselves that yes we are, but yet at the same time when emptiness just seems to wash over us, knocking us over, in a poor pathetic state, and as we struggle to crawl up on all fours, we realise that maybe we aren't as strong, because we are never who we think we are.. 

" The heart has reasons that reason does not understand"

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Current Mood

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thoughtful

]

After not having posted here for a really really long period of time, I had this sudden urge to start writing here again. I mean, everyone needs some sort of outlet to all the emotions suppresed inside, and for me this will be my resort. I highly doubt if I will keep this up, but I will try, though trying has failed me time and again.. 

" One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter,"
- James Earl Jones

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Current Mood

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bouncy

]

Back from Kota Kinabalu, was a really tiring trip. Sunburnt and really hating it, I dont wanna be tan already. Pictures of Chiang rai trip soon, I seriously cant beleive that I haven't posted it up, I'll prolly post the Kk trip pictures together with it, Procrastination, Hah.

[	Current Mood	|	chipper	]
[	Current Music	|	Lovefool - Earls	]

I know I promised pictures and updates of th trip, but dance trainings everyday from 9 to 5 ( its so wtf I know ) has really left me drained, plus backaches neckaches and whatnots, so all th free time I get, I sleep. But anyway, I just had to had to post this up, 8) want to see how your Blog would be in Benglish ? go to this link http://benglish.kennysia.com/  and just type in your URL. Its really really funny to see how your posts and all are if its written by an ah beng, :} This was when I tried mine out, http://benglish.kennysia.com/?add=http://reddddlollipops.livejournal.com
AHAHAHA, try it, you'll seriously laugh your ass off. [: Promise pictures on th next update, take care lovelies. 

xoxoxo, (:

[	Current Mood	|	depressed	]
[	Current Music	|	Bleeding Love-Leona Lewis	]

I'm back from Chiang rai, its only been a few days and I've been missing th kids helluva lot already. It was a whole lot of tears on the last day, it wasnt really what I expected, I wanted a happy goodbye, 8) I hate goodbyes, and for me there will never be a goodbye, only a farewell because I'll go back to see all the kiddos again. It was six days, and  we've already got so attached, imagine a longer trip. Whatever it is, It was awesome I loved it, but I'm tired, I'm worn out, and six days of not sleeping well is finally taking its toll on me. I'll post pictures, details and th works when I have the time, Dance trainings started the day immediately after I landed. Can you actually beleive their doing this to us ?! 

Ps: Take care little ones, We're all missing you very badly, ♥

[	Current Mood	|	calm	]
[	Current Music	|	Drop Baby- Leo Kekoa	]

With all the Goddamn long emo posts where I rant off none stop about all th crap that has been happening recently, I bet that everyone has gotten sick of it already. Well, whatever it is, I am sick of it, and I cant wait for all these to end already. So today shall be a non-emotional blah post, 8) 

I am leaving for Thailand tomorrow 5am, and I've hardly even start packing, ( can you actually beleive it ? ) but I am the most Last minute that you can ever meet, really. The last trip to Japan I started packing at 7pm when My flight was 945pm, Unbelievable how I still managed to catch my flight. I am thoroughly excited for th trip tomorrow !! Its not gonna be like the norm trips that I usually go on, I'm gonna be spending loads of time with the orphans and kids there, staying with them etc. In case you dont know, but I have a soft spot for kids, ( orphans etc. ) and th elderly, yes, its something that most of you would go AHAHAHAH about, knowing th type of person I am and everything, but its weirdly true! :) I like to play with them, I like to help them, and I guess that most of this is derived upon seeing their happy faces beaming up at you no matter how unsignificant an item that you gave them or how small a deed you have done for them, [: Its a warm fuzzy feeling that goes on inside you just seeing them so happy and enjoying themselves, teaches you how to enjoy the simplest things in life really, :} teaches you to just slow down and appreciate the smallest things that goes around you that on other days you are totally oblivious to, (: 

So yes, I am really looking forward to th trip ! I'm sure its gonna be Awesome along with the crasily funny people on th team that I'll be going with, [: more about it when I come back and hopefully pictures !! 8) will miss all you Lovelies, :}

take care, xoxoxo 

♥

You want to see my tears pour out, pour out without reason
No one knows inside my heart, The glass fragments raging a storm
The wounds become a sickness, All doors become a wall
You've become an enemy in the mirror, doesn't it hurt?

I'll keep anyone from knowing about you, I'll leave the breath to tighten out
I'll force you to choose the end, I'll take away all reason in this world for you to to stand
Without the choice of the road back, I guess you'll walk to the end
Your breath would probably end before my heart

Wounds,Scars,Tears,Flowing
You are wandering through death, 
When I'm panicking in the shadows, my breath does the same

Your hand set the world on fire, You closed everyone's eyes
The suffering that was reflected in your eyes like stars become your city

Are your still dreaming, sleeping? Are you measuring all the tears you've shed?
Hope is a paper boat that sinks, isn't it sad?

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Current Mood

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crushed

]

I've thought through this a million and one times, searched deep down, pulling out every feeling every bit of anger that was left inside of me, its a whole lot of feelings anger and tears all at one go, but still I cant find th right words to really describe how I'm feeling. I am sure that you are aware of the kind of shit, and Heartache that the both of you have put me through. 

You seem to think that I'm oblivious to everything thats going on around me, but not its really not. I try and make things seem as if I dont really care at all, but you really have no idea how I've been feeling, its been so much for me to take, overwhelming me and at times I really do feel like giving up. I feel like just screaming out everything that I've been feeling, everything that has been bottled up inside me, just for the sake of letting you know that I am feeling sad, I am feeling angry, I am feeling dissapointed, I have feelings and just because you think I'm immature and just go out and be wild, I just wanted to let you know that I do feel the consequences of the both of your actions. 

But no I never did, I just continued to let everything stay inside, because I knew that you were going through alot. but that never gave you a reason to blow up at me at every small little thing, it never gave you the rights to treat me as if I had totally no feelings at all, as if you could treat me like a worthless piece of scum, and that when we wake up the next day everything would be alright, or at least seem to be. I had never realised however, that everyone has a limit to how much they can hold.

 I always thought, you keep everything inside you, and oneday, after a long time, everything will just be forgotten and gone forever, Childish, immature and naive to think that way you might say. But i feel its because that after you have put me through so much, I have actually become numb to these feelings, and though it seems almost impossible and something that I would have just simply dreamt about, I do wish of days where we'll all be happy again, where nothing will ever go wrong, where we'll be like how we used to be, before you had ever found out about anything, before the truth ever came to light. I want the times where we would used to go for breakfasts on saturday mornings, and constantly fight over where to eat, but that would all be laughed at later, we never had serious fights, never fights like we have now. I want the times where the both of you would fight, and then soon after resolve everything, and you would act like the loving couple that I was so used to seeing. I want the times where we would use to laugh over simple things, we used to have so much fun, why cant we ever do the same now ?

 I would never forget the day when everything had changed, its still fresh in my memory, mainly because after that day nothing was ever the same again, I didnt seem to have a family anymore, everything seemed to have been gone, collapsed and destroyed, and probably even forgotten, just like how that day had passed, my family seemed to have dissapeared along with it. 

you now constantly accuse me, for the slightest things ever, I try and avoid you as much because the sight of you now just boils so much anger and resentment in me, I blame you for what you have done, I blame you for destroying th family, I blame you for everything that has gone wrong. and I really wonder, have you ever thought if it was ever too much for me to take ? no it seems like you never did, unsurprising really, you appear to me now cold, hardened of all feelings, with no ability to feel at all. its nothing to fuss over really, because you should really ask yourself who's fault was it, that your daughter has such a horrid impression of her parents, its a rarity I must say, because I myself was unaware that one was able to hate to such an extent.

[	Current Mood	|	relaxed	]
[	Current Music	|	Love Song- G-fla	]

I have been feeling tired and uninspired, tired and uninspired, tired and uninspired. Nothing seems appealing to me anymore, nothing seems fun, nothing seems interesting, all I want to do is stay home, and sleep, laze around,and sleep somemore. I have no life anymore. On a sidenote, the exams are finally over, ! finally, th studying, th late nights, th caffeine fixes, omg I am so happy its all finally over, 8) but now there's the wait for the results, and when its finally out, there goes the tears of happiness, sadness, dissapointment, anger, and of fear. Yes, its the "Pre-exam feelings" followed by the " post-exam feelings" and the whole cycle just goes on and on, but who's to complain, Cycles, which repeat itself oover and over again, Different cycles, thats what life's all about isn't it ? guess thats why we humans are such habitual creatures, [: But I beg to differ though, I dont like cycles or habitats. I like surprises, th occasional fright or scare to jerk me awake from this boring cycle that I go through everyday. I like to find new things, venture new places, feel new feelings, try new stuff. I like the occasional break of the heart, the occasional fight, the occasional quarrell, the occasional feeling or NEW things in itself. I know it sounds weird and ironic and crasy, but isnt heart-breaks, fights, quarrells, etc. all make up life. It'll all be a tad boring if our life's missing all these, like a huge hole gaping in the middle of my heart, I cant imagine life without these at all. guess you can call me a pessimist, but I think otherwise, I think that the fact that I am able to think on the positive side of all this negative things make me a optimist, 8) but anyhow, life is precious, beautiful, and too fragile to waste away. If you have been wondering whats with all the Emotional posts + reflecting and all. I guess its just th simple fact of having faced 5 funerals of loved ones and relatives in less than say, 3 years ? that have really really got me reflecting, and tomorrow I'll be adding to the list another one, very reluctantly though.I pray that the list would never have to grow longer, because each and every one is a painful process of grieving and recovering, grieving and recovering. And to add on top all of that, having migraine-inducing fights at home this often is not really helping as well, Need I really say anymore ? 

P/s: I know I went totally off track halfway through the post, but I guess I just had to write all thhat I was feeling out, I will promise that the next post be a happy / non-reflectional/ emotional post, :} Till then, take care, xoxo

[	Current Mood	|	pleased	]
[	Current Music	|	Be - Epik High	]

I know that there has been a huge lack of updates, till a point where most of you has probably thought This LJ dead, but school has been very busy and on top of that, dance trainings were crasy. Thank god that I can finally put dance trainings on a hold and just concentrate on school, def. decreasing the amount of stress, ! 
on a side note, I am very happy that This time (surprisingly ) I have recovered fast from whatever it is that I was sick from ( Again, yes again ) It wasnt the usual bout of flu cough and all that, it was far worse and had actually involved me in almost fainting in front of the whole school, but I didnt, and for the sake of looking sane and not embarrass myself, I forced myself to stand up and look well, as if nothing was wrong. But I swear, I was having so much difficulty breathing I felt my whole throat closing up on me, head spinning in a daze then everything went black. Omg, i thought I was going to die, scary, very very scary indeed. But at least I recovered after two days, I really had to get back to school, I do not want to fail my exams next week.  and I also wouldnt want to be sick on my birthday, which is tomorrow in case any of you cuckoo's have forgotten, which I hope not. [: Chloe was the first one to pass me my present, and I swear her letter was very sweet. :B I would have posted it up here but I know tht she would just kill me in school, so I'll just save myself ( and her ) All the drama, Ahahahah, but anyway thanx chlo ! your the best, after all this years your still so thoughtful, (-: 

Anyway back to th main reason on why I'm actually posting this up, I have been doing much thinking of late and after whatever has happened today, it just got me reflecting on what th friendship between you and her means to you ? what do we really mean to you ? If we mean so much to you like how you have always said, I feel that It is rather ironic how the both of us, feel that you are constantly asking for attention constantly wanting things your way and constantly throwing unnecessary tantrums when you dont.  Note that I used the word tantrum, something only a child does right? but what you have been doing and your behaviour has come across as childish and immature. At the extent of this sounding very harsh, but I feel she has really tolerated enough of whatever it is that you have been giving her, and not caring the least of how she feels. the most apparent of examples would definitely be that, you never apologise whenever th both of you fight. No matter what it is that the both of you fight about, if she's in th wrong she would apologize, but I just dont see that why you have to be so stubborn of the fact that you are always right and never in th wrong ? sometimes it really takes someone else, to look inside us and find out whats going wrong with us, because most of the time we most probably wont be able to point out these faults. What appals me even more, is tht you still went to ask others why she was angry at you ? and this did not happen just once, it has happened most of the time when your angry at her or the both of us. are you really not sure of the reason that we are angry with you, or are you just feigning ignorance to gain pity ? There really is a thousand and one things that I can point out, but as a friend I really choose not to because sometimes I feel that it does all of us good to just forgive and forget. Because it is the grudges, hurts and pains that are inflicted by friends that affect us and stay with us for all our lives.
 I do not want to sound as if I'm taking sides, because I have heard from both of you, and the two of you are ones who are closest to me. I really hate seeing all of you this way, and as much as I like things to work out between all of you, as much as I would like the both of you to talk things out, I know that it is hard for Both of you. I guess you all need some time to cool down, and just Chill. Its no point trying to talk things over, when all of you are still pissed at each other, and in the end blowing the whole matter up and get even angrier. A little time out, a little time alone, A little time to think, reflect, can you actually imagine the both of you never talking again ? No, I dont think I can or ever will, because you guys have been so close, and sometimes I myself wish that I had a best friend that I could trust this much or do everything with together, Maybe that's what I'll wish for my birthday this year, Ahahah, :} Anyway I love both of you, and I dont want to see you guys this way, you'll work things out, I know it, [; its just a matter of sooner or later, so why not sooner ? 8)

Things will get better, Its just a matter of time.

♥

I am really sorry for the lack of updates. Exams, Dance Trainings and school work has been driving me very crasy, D: I promise I'll get back to the norm regular Updates, as soon as the exams are over. They're sucha killer I swear, Ugh.

[	Current Mood	|	sick	]
[	Current Music	|	Can we chill- Ne-yo	]

Currently down with flu, Again. Am very sick and tired of falling ill. Am tired of having a weak immune system and Catching a flu / cough whenever people around me is sick. Am tired of Falling ill during tests, am tired, very tired. I really hate falling ill during exam periods or during tests, And it seems that Those are the times when I'm most likely to fall ill. Lack of sleep plus a Overly busy schedule is really driving me crasy, I have no time for friends and myself at all. I need to Breathe. Today was mad, I went into a very bad fit of sneezing in class, which resulted in Eyunice thinking she's got the bug now. Am very sorry Hun, [: I stil had to drag myself for Chinese lessons after school, Was feeling very sleepy dropped by Starbucks for a Mocha Frap hoping that it'll wake me up, But no I was still sleepy like hell. And plus I had to go alone today, I slept on the bus, and missed my stop so I had to walk all the way back, Ugh, Imagine being All Flu-ish already, with a fever coming on, I wasnt exactly in the mood to walk. 

Algebra Test tomorrow,  god save me, Have no strength to study at all, the moment I came home, Changed popped as much panadol that one can take without dying,  slipped on my hoodie and went to sleep. I am in no mood to study, when I'm sick I like to sleep for 24 hours. But I cant fail maths, I am already failing english, how I fail english I dont really get. I am going to bring As much medicine I can to school tomorrow, I am going to bring two jackets and a pillow, I am going to sleep in school tomorrow, I am going to pass my maths test tomorrow, I am going to pass my maths test tomorrow, I am going to pass my maths test tomorrow with the hope of a miracle. 

( I realise this post is all about I Am's They say people who start their sentences with I Am are very self-centred, I think This means I am Very selfish )

[	Current Mood	|	cynical	]
[	Current Music	|	Cant Help but wait- Trey Songz Feat. Plies	]

How is someone to find the motivation to carry on with life after being faced with problems wich threatened to break your life into shards, I dont really get how they do it, Where is their strength suppose to come from, do they have times when they feel as if they're just about to pop. In the depths of the night, don't their minds fill with thoughts and worries about whatever's going on, creeping like vines into the emptiness of the night. In the hours of darkness is when I am most afraid, feelings opinions thoughts pervade my brain, its the time of the day when they say you are suppose to get a breather no matter how hectic the day may have been, that I feel distressed and disturbed. I especially dont get, how is someone to face death in the face, and act as if nothing is wrong just a mere while after, Enlighten me if you will, where do you draw your strength from, cause' I really need it.

[	Current Mood	|	sleepy	]
[	Current Music	|	Traffic in the sky- Jack Johnson	]

Have been enjoying the advantage of having a sprained back, this whole week, which is being able to cab to school, Every. Single. day :} and come to think of it, I've been using my sprained back excuse in desperate attempt to try and get me out of any trouble. Teacher makes me stand for talking to much, Tell her I cant thanks to sprained back, Someone asks me to pick something up, I cant thanks to sprained back, why I'm walking around class in the middle of lesson, I cant sit too long thanks to a sprained back,  Ahaha, I should sprain my back more often, ! [; 

Gossip session with Eyunice in school really enlightens me, I didnt know that _ was so o.O  Its the only thing that makes school not so boring,being the fag that it already is, Heh. Am tired of the constant scoldings and naggings from teachers about hair and everything, its hella annoying and dont really see the point in our hair being neat and whatnot, But nevertheless, School is only fun when I have people to bitch / Laugh / go crasy with, 8D other than that, school is just this piece of tiring crap shit, waste of six hours of time which I usually spend sleeping, 


Mid-Years are in 3 weeks, D: 
I cant find the need / motivation to actually care about it, 


"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans, "
-John Lennon (1940-1980)

[	Current Mood	|	uncomfortable	]
[	Current Music	|	Friday Night( Crunk Club Remix ) - Urban Note	]

Skipped school today due to the fact that I injured my back during dance yesterday. The pain was so 
friggen unbearable I wanted to just die I tell you. There was nothing I could do, when I sat down the pain 
would be at its worst, When I lie, Pain like hell, when I stand the pains nagging away. Ah, Its so frustrating
I tell you. And this resulted in me sleeping in one position the whole night, Can you actually beleive it, I went
to sleep in the middle of my bed, in a relly relly straight position, and I woke up in the same bloody position. 
and the whole night I had to make a conscious effort not to make unnecescary movements lest the shooting pain
comes back again, And that in return had me waking up with very stiff hands and legs, and a back that wasnt any 
better. 
 Heh, on the brighter side though, I got to sleep in till ten today, ( though not very comfortable ) which I haven
done since school has started. And when I woke up, I realised that my phone was spoilt, The screen kept blinking
on and off, and couldnt be on at all. The stupid phone is always giving me so much trouble, So Momsie told me to 
use her extra iPhone first, which made me very happy, ! :} Ahahah, I hope my phone's unrepairable so then I'll be able
to cont. using the iPhone, its kinda complicated to use, but very Cool at the same time yknow, :B Ahahah. 

Am suppose to use today to finish all my School work that has been piling up, but dont really feel like getting down 
to it, Today feels like a Lazy afternoon and I'm not really in the mood for school work, Shall get down to it some other 
time, :} Oh and I went to the Doctor just now, she said that I wont be able to dance for a few weeks, D: My exams are in 
two weeks ! even if I get well by then, I still need to practice during the period of time before that, God help, My father says
tht I had better pass the Exams is not He'll slaughter me and I can never ever think of getting my EOS, So God you had
better answer my prayers now please please oh pretty please, ! [;